Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
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The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
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Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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