How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
