Umm I'm too high to move.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
