Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
