To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
