my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??
dude, everything can mix, this is college.
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
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