Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Randomize
