So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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