I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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