i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
