I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Randomize
