ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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