My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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