What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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