when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
