when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Drunk me commented on almost all of her pictures. My favorite one is titled "be as the sea". My comment is "cold, rough, large and letting anyone come inside you. you accomplished." Guessing I'm not invited to the party anymore.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
