So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
