Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Randomize
