well I can't set my house on fire every night
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
He's telling me stories about how he made out with a 14 yr old when he was 22. I'm going home.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Randomize
