Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
