You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
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This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
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Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
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