is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
