I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
