okay pat passed out under dana's car
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
