woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
