the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
Randomize
