I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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