hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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