Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
