There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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