While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
