My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Come see our sink grown plant.
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
