video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Randomize
