I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
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