Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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