No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
