I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
