1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
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