I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
Randomize
