I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Randomize
