Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I could make wine with my vomit
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I stole a fireplace last night.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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