his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
