You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
