Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
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