Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
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