Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
