true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
