as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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