apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
