she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
