If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
