They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
