No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
