are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
