Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
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