Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
