This is not my ceiling
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
