I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize
