Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
