On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Randomize
